There is a dark side to fibro that is often talked about in support groups but possibly not so much outside of that. Somedays, I feel like I have lost half of my former self; so many things that I used to take for granted now take a TONNE of effort to achieve. So many hours are spent laying in bed because you are in too much pain to walk, or your energy is so low that even trying to hold your head up is just plain tiring. With this can come a downfall in your mental health. I already suffered from this, but I sympathise with the ones who have to accept not only a decline in physical health but also a fresh decline in their mental health.
Some days are SO hard to get through for me. I crawl inside my head, not wanting to interact with anyone. Inside my head can be a very dark place though; if I stay too long I get lost in there, and then it begins… I feel like I am not even crying, my eyes just overflow and tears fall down my face. My thoughts get darker – why the fuck does this have to happen to me? I look up inspirational quotes like “you are enough”, but how can someone be enough when they are so broken? As a mother, a partner, a friend, I could never be enough. The droplets of tears turn into streams, the feeling of guilt kicks in… my thoughts race with all the things I have let my kids down with, all the things I’ve failed at in life because I just could not get it done.
I think of the person I was 10 years ago when me and Aaron fell in love. I don’t remember how to be that person anymore. How the fuck is that fair? My kids didn’t ask for a mother who forgets everything and sometimes has to spend days on end in bed or doing the utmost minimal of tasks. Aaron did not ask for a girlfriend who is in too much pain or too tired to go on adventures or make love. My kids and Aaron are things I love most in this world, so of course they hit me the hardest when I am falling. Trying to hold down a job feels almost impossible at times, too. I mean how can I commit to turning up daily when I don’t know how I will be feeling that day? I could wake up fine, but the odds are at least a few days a week I won’t be able to turn up at all. I am very blessed with a very understanding boss and casual hours, but even that has been a struggle and I’ve taken months off at a time… and then I face the burden of letting my coworkers down and financially fucking my family over.
“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.”Rumi
Struggle… this is the word I use most frequently lately. I am just struggling to clean the house today, I am just struggling to go out in the world today, I am just struggling with life. Hope… hope is something easily lost when you are told you will suffer with this condition for the rest of your life. It is easy at this stage to not see the point in going on. All I am is a disappointment and a shell of my former self.
And then, I look in my loved ones eyes and there it is. The hope I had been searching for. They are the ones I battle everyday for; their love, their laughs and their cuddles are all I need to keep going,
You see, it is hard to hear encouragement from people who are not experiencing this. How could they understand what we are going through? Of course it is very much appreciated but sometimes it’s just not enough to get me through the day. This is why it is so important for us fibro warriors to reach out and find our people. This illness can be lonely but in support groups you soon realise you are not alone, you are surrounded by people who feel your pain, who understand and accept you, and most of all drag you back out of that place in your head to realise the world is FULL of support and ANY achievement for a day is a good thing. I don’t feel so useless, and I can accept that I may not be the old me but I have grown into an empathetic, loving human who has more understanding for those needing a hand in life, and I always try to reach out to anyone if I can help in any way. Most of all I remember that I am enough. I may not be mother of the year, but I sure as fuck love my family fiercely and will always do everything I can for them to be happy and feel loved. I know I will have a trillion more days like this but I know I have the strength to get back up, the fight must go on and for another day I will kick ass, because I am a fucking queen and I got this shit!